If I could go back

If I could go back
And change my life
I would do it in an instant
Everything could be so much different
And my future might hold so much more

But if I could go back
What of the present I have now?
It would not be
Sone people would not exist
And possibly some would be worse off

So I must not wish to go back
And must live with the life I have
This is how it is
Because of the choices I have made
I must stay and not dream
C’est la vie,
This is my life for what it is.

Profile photo of Lindsay24

Born in the Wirral, left home in '78 and lived in Croydon/Wallington/Woldingham/Folkestone until coming to live near family in Shevington in '05. I have a son Peter 25 yrs lives in South London and is a staff writer for a techie magazine. My Mum is 95 this year and has dementia, is cared for by my sister and myself.

4 thoughts on “If I could go back

  • Hi Lindsay, I was just wondering how life was going for you at the moment. I appreciate that things aren’t always great but it would be good to hear from you again and perhaps we can give you a little support too. πŸ™‚

    • Hi Rob, thanks for thinking of me. I knew it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the isolation it would cause within me. How I view reality is totally different to how others see it, my sense of being quiet is seen as being morose, my insecurities make me want to hideaway and the weight issue is a constant demon. Wherever I go, to renal, to GP and to my therapist I get weighed, I don’t seem to have any peace. Whatever I am doing dressing, washing, eating, drinking weight is a constant factor. I can’t voice what I would like because it’s not acceptable. I am a sensible person, I know I am healthier than I was but it seems everything has been put on hold until the powers that be say ‘I am ok’ and then me and my family can go back to living again normally.
      It doesn’t help either that my renal visits aren’t quite as comforting as they used to be. It’s all change at the unit and some patients are extremely upset by the changes. I used to look forward to my dialysis because it was one of the few times I could relax and not feel guilty that I wasn’t caring for Mum because I had to have dialysis. Now I am agitated partly because of the weight and partly because my times are changing and you know renal patients hate change. We don’t have much control of our dialysis but what control we have we guard and we build our lives to suit dialysis times and it’s routine, change the times and everything goes out of the window.
      All in all not good, but it all could be worse so I am grateful for that and I just take an hour at a time. Bet you are sorry you asked now!!

      • Not sorry at all Lindsay and I completely agree with you about the difficulties of change and the lack of control when dialysing, especially in the early stages. When I was suffering depression there were times when the routine I established was a source of comfort and gave structure to my day. Equally the were times when that routine was the only thing I had in my life and I began to hate it!

        Which dialysis unit do you attend and what are the changes? I wish you well Lindsay and hope that, by taking things an hour at a time, your anxieties ease. Please take care πŸ™‚

  • There is no “User Guide” to living life so don’t get too hung up on mistakes you may or may not have made and try not live with regrets. Learn from your mistakes, move on and live for the day. We all make mistakes or choose the wrong path occasionally and I know I’ve made my share but there are so many good things in everyone’s life it’s just that we don’t always recognise them.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *